Things I Never Knew I Always Wanted 2/28/01

He sees her at a bookstore outside of Tallahassee flipping through a book of Monet’s greatest works. He watches her from behind a bookshelf because she’s not supposed to be there. She’s supposed to be in Oklahoma City at Oklahoma State University getting an Oklahoma worthy education. Of course she looks up and of course she sees him.
He pretends to be engrossed in a book he picked up from the shelf in front of him. He feels her next to him. She’s breathing on his shoulder. She’s warm. He puts down the book quickly, unable to take the silent presence any longer. “What do you want, Amma?”
“When did you start reading ‘Claudio’s Passion’?” she asks picking up the book he just put down.
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Why not?” Amma looks up at him with her big green eyes. She is innocent.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was reading and I saw you so I thought I’d come over.”
“No here. Here in Florida.” He grabs the book out of her hands and sloppily reshelves it.
“You don’t want me here?” She asks. “I can leave if you want. It was just for a vacation but if you can’t stand being in the same state as me I understand.” She’s walking away now. He’s watching her go.
“Amma, wait.” He catches up to her. “I’m sorry.” She smiles and takes his hnd and drags him out of the store.
“What are you sorry for?”
“I was rude.”
“I love you.”
“Don’t say that.” But it’s too late because she already said it and she’s pressing her body against his and she’s kissing him and he’s kissing her back.
“Can I stay with you a while?”
“Whatever you want.”

Wow, this is old and because it’s old it tells a lot about the kind of person that I was when I was younger. I think that there’s a difficult period for everyone when they leave high school and have to make new friends. I had an especially difficult time because the roommates that I had weren’t exactly the greatest people. I wrote a lot of what could really be considered fan fiction. It’s just that instead of writing fan fiction about other people’s stories I wrote fan fiction about my own life. I think that I really felt trapped at that point. I was in a place I didn’t like, with people that I didn’t like.
This story comes out of that. The main character, Amma, has the mobility that I lacked. She has someone who loves her. She is able to bring these two things together.
I wrote a lot of stories around this time with similar themes. The biggest one was the ability of my characters to travel. They had no commitment to the things around them and, in a way, I thought that was really nice and really liberating. I did realize at the time that I had the same kind of freedom. I could have gone off and done the things that I really wanted but there was something holding me back. I think that from a very young age I was taught to worry about the world around me. Instead of feeling like I could just go out and fly by the seat of my pants, I felt that I had to create an itinerary that planned out every moment. I didn’t have to do this for my sake, but for the sake of the people around me.
The biggest change between the person that wrote this and the person that I am now is that I don’t do things simply for the sake of people around me. I will help out the best that I can, but when it interferes with my own life I just don’t think that it’s worth it anymore.
I’m about to embark on a really great adventure. It’s the first time in my life when I don’t have even the vaguest idea of what happens next. There are certain things that I want, but time will tell if I get those things or not. I’m okay with that.