I am a model. Someone deemed my skinny arms and bony knees beautiful. Someone desired me. And as a result I stare out at you from glossy pages. I am there at the makeup counter. I am watching as you stand in line at the grocery store. I’m with you as you try on underwear. And as a result you feel inadequate. Or perhaps you think that buying will make you appear more beautiful or appealing. I am a double edged sword. I am the object of lust. Today, sitting in my studio apartment, staring out at the world, I am angry. I am chain smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes. My ex-boyfriend always complained about the smell. I ignored him. My hair is a mess. I’m not wearing makeup. There are bags under my eyes. I don’t know why I’m angry. I just am. And somewhere out there someone is looking at my picture. Someone desires me.
-->Tiny escapes from reality are a comfort to those whose are trapped in an unescapable horror.
--> I’m not a big fan of emaciation.
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1) Wake up (very important to the start of any day. Best to do at one’s own leisure).
2) Drink coffee (slowly. Be sure to enjoy it. If the day is sunny. I suggest looking out at the world. If the day is anything less than sunny it would be best to crawl back under the covers).
3) Brush teeth, Shower (tend to all hygene issues, really).
-->Tiny escapes from reality are a comfort to those whose are trapped in an unescapable horror.
--> I’m not a big fan of emaciation.
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1) Wake up (very important to the start of any day. Best to do at one’s own leisure).
2) Drink coffee (slowly. Be sure to enjoy it. If the day is sunny. I suggest looking out at the world. If the day is anything less than sunny it would be best to crawl back under the covers).
3) Brush teeth, Shower (tend to all hygene issues, really).
I thought that this entry was really interesting for a number of reasons. First, there is the initial writing. I don’t know what I was thinking about models like that for. Normally I am very generous to them. It would seem that there are a number of feminists who would like it if I was angrier at models, or the fashion industry in general, because they are giving me a false idea of beauty. I’ve never really felt that way. They are models. I am not. They have their bad days too. Maybe that’s what this is about, the ugly in the beautiful. Maybe it’s about the way that we can’t all be beautiful all the time. Maybe it’s about allowing people to not be perfect. Give them their days of being angry for no reason. Maybe I needed a day to be angry for no reason. I think I was kind of angry around this time. I was working at a job I was learning a lot at, but I didn’t like it because I wanted to be with people my own age. I might have also been thinking about the way that we idolize people without knowing the real them. The model is beautiful, but she doesn’t live a beautiful life. We don’t see that on magazine covers or in ads.
The rest of the entry kind of surprises me, especially the part about the tiny escapes. I wrote a lot about escape. I think that writing is a kind of escape for me. When I start feeling really hopeless it is reflected in my writing or my lack of writing. When I am hopeful I write more because, for some reason, I need the escape when I am most hopeful.
I also like that I put arrows into this text. I thought the arrows were a newer thing, perhaps something I discovered in the past couple of years, but it turns out I have been doing this for years when I wanted to change the subject.
The list of things to do is clearly not realistic, but wouldn’t it make for a lovely day?
I’m keeping all the typos from my original text in. I think that it makes it more authentic.
The rest of the entry kind of surprises me, especially the part about the tiny escapes. I wrote a lot about escape. I think that writing is a kind of escape for me. When I start feeling really hopeless it is reflected in my writing or my lack of writing. When I am hopeful I write more because, for some reason, I need the escape when I am most hopeful.
I also like that I put arrows into this text. I thought the arrows were a newer thing, perhaps something I discovered in the past couple of years, but it turns out I have been doing this for years when I wanted to change the subject.
The list of things to do is clearly not realistic, but wouldn’t it make for a lovely day?
I’m keeping all the typos from my original text in. I think that it makes it more authentic.
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