Lists 10/5/08

Things I Like
-Old people that smoke
-Highlighters
-Those little orange monkeys at the zoo
-Giving people presents
-Presents in general
-Notebooks

Things I Don’t Like
-People who are mean for no good reason
-The sound of vacuum cleaners
-The smell of cleaning agents
-When boys I care about do cocaine
-People who treat me like I don’t have feelings



I can’t sleep and therefore am looking up lists in my notebooks. These lists came out of a lot of things that I was going through at the time. I was having trouble trying to find friends in the town that I live in. I always seem to be having trouble finding friends. That is where the stuff about people being mean comes from. I think that my biggest problem is that I really, really want people to like me and so I make an extra effort to be nice. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in the world who will take advantage of that sort of thing. There are other problems with it as well. It seems that once you start off being really nice you always have to be nice. You never get to have days where you aren’t feeling so great and you need time to yourself. People will always want a piece of you and they expect certain things out of you. It’s not like they always come knocking when they need something. It’s a strange sort of dependence, as though they know they can come to you because you aren’t very good at saying “no.” I need to learn how to say “no” more often. I need to set more boundaries.
I really don’t like the smell of cleaning agents or the sound of vacuums. It makes cleaning things a really tedious job for me, maybe more than most. I have switched to using Dr. Bronner’s to clean everything. The smell of peppermint isn’t so bad.
I still don’t like it when boys I care about do cocaine. It really is a horrible drug that sucks the life out of people. I don’t care what anyone says about it, it’s something that I will never try. I wouldn’t even want to. I’ve seen it destroy a lot of people. I’ve seen it become something that they need. Interestingly enough, I once found an article in a magazine that talked about it. They were doing studies on rodents. There were some rodents that were given cocaine as part of their diets. The other group was given a choice of whether to drink water that either had cocaine or didn’t. When they took the cocaine away from the rodents that were given a choice those animals went through withdrawal. The other ones didn’t seem to mind the change. What the scientists were figuring out was that it wasn’t actually that addictive of a drug. It is one of those drugs that a person only becomes psychologically dependant on. I thought that was interesting. I don’t have enough people to tell these things to.
The list of things I like stays pretty much the same throughout the years. I think that we all find things that we like and stick to them. Old people that smoke became something that I enjoyed after going to Bingo. I used to play a lot of Bingo and, back when they allowed smoking at the Bingo hall, there were always a ton of old people there who knew just how bad it was for them but had been doing it so long that they didn’t care anymore. The little orange monkeys at the zoo have also always been one of those things that make me extremely happy. They are called Golden Lion Tamarins. I like their tails that they use to get from tree to tree. They used to have a whole bunch at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, but then they started having fewer and fewer. Last time I went I think that there were only two or three. It was very disappointing to see the little orange monkey population decrease in such large numbers. (I just found out that they are endangered. I shouldn’t do research on these sorts of things so late at night. It just makes me depressed).
The fact that notebooks are on the list is pretty self-explanatory.

Writing Things Down 9/22/08

Written 9/22/08:

X things it’s funny that I want to be a writer simply because I like writing things down. I think X is funny.

This is from my eleventh notebook, a moleskine that I filled up from 7/26/08 to 11/12/08. I was doing a lot of writing at that time. Most of it was work on a story I wrote titled “Touch” which has been rejected by eleven different literary magazines so far. I remember what prompted this little note. Being an English major with an emphasis in creative writing I have met a lot of people who want to be writers. One day I was at the apartment of one of these people and he asked me why I want to be a writer.

I shrugged and answered “I don’t know, I guess I just like writing things down.” The ‘I don’t know’ stemmed from the fact that no one had really bothered to ask me that before and because it was something that I didn’t really think about. I love writing. I like writing things down. I thought that was why everyone who wants to be a writer picks it. I guess not.

The guy I was talking to kind of tilted his head at me. “That’s funny,” he said in a way that made me think that it wasn’t funny ha-ha, but he thought that maybe it was funny weird.

“Why is that funny?”

“Everyone else I’ve ever asked wants to be a writer so that they can write a novel that everyone loves and become rich and famous.”

Now it was my turn to laugh and I did. “That’s just ridiculous,” I told him.

He shrugged at me and then said, “That’s why I want to be a writer.”

When I realized that he was serious I tried to talk him out of it. I wanted him to want to be a writer for some other, better reason. I explained to him that there are plenty of people who will write and write and write their whole lives and never get publish. I told him that the ones who are lucky enough to get published hardly ever make enough money to really live on it. I asked him if he could name ten really wealthy writers who were immediately recognizable. He couldn’t but that didn’t deter him. By the end of the conversation I was frustrated and angry. Then, I just gave up.

I know that there are a ton of people out there just like this guy. They seem to think that writing is somehow a ticket to fame and fortune. I find it extremely insulting. At the same time I began to understand why I was struggling so much in my creative writing course. Why there were times when I wanted to yell at my classmates to take it more seriously. I started to understand why I read so many stories that were almost exactly the same. They were all following the formula. The goal for them wasn’t to become a better writer, which was what I looked forward to from workshops. The goal for them was to become rich and famous. It’s something I will never understand.

I’m not saying that I haven’t thought about it. I have and I think that everyone thinks about the day that they will become rich and famous. It’s just that I thought that when people thought about it they thought they would get rich and famous by doing something they love. I didn’t think someone would actually go into writing thinking that they will become rich and famous. That’s just silliness. You don’t hear about people taking a ton of zoology courses so that they can go live with the apes and become rich and famous like Jane Goodall. No one seems to want to spend years and years in the military so that they can become rich and famous like Colin Powell. Where are all the little kids thinking that they would love to spend years in college so that they can be rich and famous like Johnny Cochran?

Why is it that writing is something that everyone thinks they can do and be good at without trying? Where did this strange misconception come from that writing is somehow the ticket to the easy life? Most importantly, where are all the writers who are living the sweet life out there? Someone must have inspired these people and I want to know who it is! (I’m talking to you Dan Brown and J.K. Rowling).

Writing is something I work on every day. It’s something that constantly evolves. I keep all my notebooks because I want to know what I wrote before and how I can improve upon it. I really am trying hard and working hard.

If I were to somehow become rich and famous, that would be kind of cool but I imagine that it’s very time consuming. I’d much rather spend my time writing.