The Wreckage 2/21/04

You use to look at me all the time
I imagined I was beautiful
Then I realized
I am wreckage on the side of the road
You just can't turn away.


I haven't posted a new blog in almost a year now. There are a lot of reasons why. My life has gone through a major overhaul since the last time I posted and I don't feel like any of it has been very good. This little poem that I wrote when I was twenty-one and going through a "bad poetry" phase does a pretty good job of summing up what I've been feeling. I don't really know what it was originally about, but there seems to be a constant struggle with self-confidence in my life and this little bit of writing really showcases that.

The past year hasn't done anything to make me feel more secure about myself. I've gone through an extremely bad breakup that I still don't understand and that I'm still trying to heal from one year later. I've found that the college degree that everyone told me was some kind of necessity doesn't mean anything in this economy. I've lost a lot of friends that I thought would be there for me no matter what. I feel like I'm heading nowhere on a fast train and with no job, no boyfriend, and no real prospects for the future besides taking a few more classes in a desperate attempt to put off paying my student loans before trying for grad school again. I've officially given up.

To be perfectly honest, I've thought a lot about this blog over the past year. Mostly, I've thought about coming on here and deleting it. In the world of digital footprints, I didn't want any part of my life going online just in case a very thorough human resources agent came across my work and considered it too melancholy. Guess what I figured out? No one's looking for my digital footprint. No one's even considering me for a position at their company. In a way, it's really freeing. As movie Tyler Durden once said "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Now I can focus on my writing without worrying about what some random person in some human resources office somewhere thinks of me. I'm not deleting my blog. I'm keeping this and I'm going to be posting more often because I love writing and I'm not going to give up on even one more thing that I love in order to make people I've never met happy.